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Happy Halloween

31 Oct
Happy Halloween

It’s Halloween…lets talk about things that go bump in the night and what you need to combat them.

First, zombies.

Either through voodoo, curses, drugs or virus, the zombie is a contagious, relentless being of insatiable hunger. Be it your brains or flesh they want to eat you and even if they are classic slow shuffling Romero zombies and not the updated “all zombies move like spider man and know kung fu”, they will overwhelm you with numbers and tireless forward progression.

How to disable a zombie?  Easy enough, brain trauma.  Everything else on a zombie; organs, blood, eyes, etc are unnecessary for them to move and attack, but if you produce enough trauma to the brain they will cease to function.

How do you go about doing that?  First and foremost a firearm is a good choice.  They can fire from a distance and limit the potential for exposure of zombie juices on you which could infect you.  Also, depending on the rate of decay of a certain zombie, a .22 round can do the damage required.  They are light, small and can be kept in greater number than a larger round.

Zombies pose a unique problem.  Their very nature of infectiousness leads to an apocalyptic world.  Which also means that bullets and raw materials for reloaders will become harder and harder to come by.  With that being said, a few hand to hand combat tools will be a good idea.  These can be easily made from a sharpened pipe, or any metal that can be worked at a point.  Also, if you have a sword or ax or some other edged weapon you will be able to neutralize a zombie at close range.  With a sword I recommend a coup de grace and decapitate them (WARNING: THE HEAD WILL STILL BE ACTIVE AND DANGEROUS) and with the ax or hatched a good cleave to the skull should do the trick.  Be wary of having your hatchet becoming stuck in the skull.

If those options are unavailable a blunt heavy object like a baseball bat will suffice.  Yet be on your guard since this tactic will result in more gore and back splash of goo may come dangerously close to exposed skin or eyes running the risk of contamination.  Try to keep to aluminum bats as they are easier to clean and wood will soak up zombie goo and run further risk of contamination.

Despite what is often portrayed on television and in the movies, a bow and arrow is not a good weapon against zombies mainly because the skill needed to utilize the weapon effectively is uncommon.  Not only would you have to shoot them in the head but most likely through the eye at a distance.  So unless you are Robin Hood you might be out of luck.  Perhaps with a crossbow at closer range the bolt would be more able to do what is required.

Vampires

A legend that some trace back to Cain, and others to Judas Iscariot, vampires are long lived, blood drinking, beings with enhanced physical powers.  We’ll stick with the solid physical form ones for this example and not delve into ones that turn into bats or mist etc.

Vampires do occasionally like to turn people into vampires but it is not as prevalent as zombie contamination nor does it become automatic as vampire bites do not automatically turn one into a vampire.  With that being said, Vampires do look to non vampires as food and as such seek to exsanguinate their victims.

How to vanquish a vamp?  Unlike zombies there are a few different ways to dispatch a vampire.  First, the most effective way to kill a vampire is to stab them through the heart with a wooden stake.  Most accept that any wood will do, though those who think that vamps are cursed offspring of Cain find that wood from an Apple tree is necessary  while those who believe that Judas was the first vampire think that Aspen wood will do the trick.  The latter also would explain why some believe that vampires are allergic to silver and can be hurt by it.

But before we get to that, Vampires are probably the only monster in which a crossbow or bow and arrow would be a reasonable choice.  Aiming for the chest is a bit easier than an eye socket and if you hit the target, their black monstrous heart, the shaft of the arrow (which would need to be wooden) will eliminate your vampire issue.

So you turn into a big hairy monster every so often, who doesn’t want to run free every now and again? the

As with silver, there are several last resort ways of trying to kill a vampire.  I say last resort because they are either conflicting from the tale to tale or are in and of themselves very difficult to administer.

A bottle of holy water can be used like a hand grenade to incapacitate while you stab them through the heart.

Vampires apparently don’t like garlic…but then again…whats that gonna do for ya?

Burning a vampire to ashes will most likely do the trick but unless they are taking a bath in kerosene, what are the chances they are going to give you the time to douse them in something flammable?

Finally, decapitation has been said to work.  The only problem is, the vampire is stronger, faster and all around physically superior to regular people.  How you expect to go all Highlander on them is beyond me.

Werewolves

Lycanthropy is a little less contagious than zombies but the added perks make it not the worst thing in the world.  So you turn into a big hairy monster every so often, who doesn’t want to run free every now and again?Being bit or scratched by a werewolf may turn you into one.  Sometimes that’s all it takes, other times it has to be done at a certain time.

But, like there are bad people in the world, so to would one expect to find bad werewolves who want to eat you whole.  Werewolves have heightened animal senses and as such, getting the drop on one is notoriously difficult.  Chances are they know where you are before you know where they are.

How to vanquish a werewolf?  Silver and distance. For some reason, werewolves have a severe allergy to silver and as such will die if you can get some silver into them.  But trying to stab a werewolf with silver knife or sword will be difficult since they are so much stronger and animalistic.  That is why one should stick with a gun.

Silver is currently trading at $32 an ounce.  Since the amount of silver needed relates to the effectiveness a .45 bullet would be ideal for stopping power.  Since 1 ounce equates to approx. 28 grams and a .45 bullet is approx 15 grams you are looking at about $16 a bullet.  Not cheap to load up a magazine full of silver bullets.  I feel that the Lone Ranger benefited from low prices of sliver.

Outside of that there really aren’t that many options.  Decapitation runs the same risk here that it does with vampires and outside of silver the only thing that really effects werewolves is wolfsbane but that probably has the same efficacy of garlic to vampires.  Maybe keep some on hand but if your depending on it…good luck.

Frankenstein Monster Types

Genetically or scientifically created monsters that for some reason hate the world and want to kill everything in it.  They may be made from dug up grave pieces, genetically engineered experiments or a hodgepodge cyborg type thing with bolts sticking out of its neck.

How to stop non-mystically, non infectious, non zombie killing machines?

OVERWHELMING FIREPOWER.

A high amount of lead being sent down range at your monster will pretty much do it.  Maybe they are afraid of fire.  Let them fear the continuous spew of it from your arsenal of firearms.

Gun Control Zealots

The most insidious of all monsters.  These brainless illogical beasts function without much cognitive capacity, much like zombies, though in more of a hive mentality.  The queen usually being some rich benefactor (occasionally Mayor of New York City) who tells his drones to continue to attack and attack.

GCZ’s are like vampires and they want to suck the lifeblood out of America and its Constitution.

Like werewolves, they have heightened senses in regards to sniffing out tragedies for them to exploit, yet since they have the cognitive capacity of zombies they make illogical deductions and reasonings.

And like Frankenstein’s monster the best way to defeat them is to use a firepower they have absolutely no defense against…logic.

The GCZ hates logic and while they may thrash around initially, overwhelming logic will silence them and eventually they will combust and be no more.

 

So, with all that being said…HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

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3 Comments

Posted by on October 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

3 responses to “Happy Halloween

  1. Kyle

    October 31, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    “Vampires apparently don’t like garlic…but then again…whats that gonna do for ya?”

    I personally, when I eat pasta, like to eat the majority of a garlic bread loaf. This leaves my blood and body saturated with garlic oil. This protects me as a vampire will stay away from me giving me time to reload, run, sleep, or whatever I need to do (#1&2) without fear of direct attack.

     
    • Tony Oliva

      October 31, 2012 at 8:32 pm

      hahaha…valid point Kyle. Good thing to keep in mind.

       
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